is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
