allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
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