i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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