I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
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