On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
