just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
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