Kiss
Puke
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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