my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Randomize
