My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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