I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
