she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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