I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
