you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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