woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
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