Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
