No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
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