i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
