Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
