Joe is yelling at the trees again.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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