you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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