You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
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