Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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