i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Randomize
