its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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