got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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