i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
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