Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
