She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
