I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
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