Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
