party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Randomize
