Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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