Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
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