i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
