I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
We need to rekindle our bromance
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
