I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
