My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
