You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
why is half of my head shaved?
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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