Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize