I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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