Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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