the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
