I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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