last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
My vagina just clenched in fear
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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