Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
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