apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
