I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
