Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Randomize
