I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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