I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I just saw a hot homeless man
I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize