Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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