So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
my being single is dangerous.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
