Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Randomize
