Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
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