You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
